Don't Close Your Eyes
by Miztical-Dragon
Summary: I almost trick myself into believing everything’s okay and that Rin has always been mine, but the chill of the night tells me otherwise and I swallow the lump forming in my throat. One can only hold on for so long and I wonder if my time with her has ende


_**Disclaimer: Nope Don't Own InuYasha and Co. I also don't own the song "Don't close your eyes" by Keith Whitely.**_

_This is just a little something to tide over my readers while I'm stuck in writer's block land. I was listening to this song at work on Friday (August 10th) and thought it would be an AWESOME story. Well that and I'm a little obsessed with songfics I guess._

_**Warnings: **__Angst, OCCness (maybe), sexual content implied. If you don't like it get over yourself or leave. Thankz. _

_**Don't Close Your Eyes**_

_By Miztikal-Dragon_

Like most nights it seems to be late out and the television set softly coos, the static white snow instantly stealing my attention from the surrounding darkness. It keeps me awake some nights, the television, but then again so does she. The heavy crème-colored quilt is soft and I let my fingers run over the comfortable material; I can still remember the day it was given to me as a birthday present and it makes me smile.

Picking up the remote control from the nightstand and I gaze at the alarm clock almost longingly; its digital numbers glowing brightly. It's three in the morning and once again, I sit here quietly in the dark alone with my thoughts. Insomnia, it seems has settled in on my mind for the long run.

Different colored flowers dance across the quilt resting on my lap and I wonder how long it took her to find it? How long it must have taken to make and it warms my hear; however, it also brings pain. Not the overwhelming lost love kind of pain, but a gentle throbbing that reminds me of why I find myself lying awake at night with such hopelessness and depressing thoughts.

Turning my eyes from the television I watch the lump lying next to me, long tendrils of black hair spilling out onto a splash of night over fluffy white pillows. Her pale face barely seen from underneath her hair and the edge of the quilt. She reminds me of an angel while she sleeps, the shadows illuminating her and stealing my attention like no one else could.

Calloused fingers brush away the stray strands of her hair from her face, the warmth of her breath waxing and waning my appendages and her chin tilting, brushing her skin against mine. It's moments like these I find myself doubting the authenticity of the life I've come to find myself in. Wondering, dreading the day I will wake up and she'll be gone. These thoughts are probably to blame for my insomnia, but I can't help but think them.

Five years, five long years have passed since then and though to me it has felt only a short period of time, it must seem like more than a lifetime for her. So long since that stormy night, rain drops falling from the sky like a waterfall when she came to my doorstep, her eyes filled to the brim with tears and heartache - the same kind that I had been harboring for her since I met her eight years prior. It was like a dream come true for me, to finally have the one thing I've always dreamed about, but then again was it only the beginning to a never ending nightmare?

_**I know you loved him**_

_**A long time ago**_

_**Even now in my arms**_

_**You still want him I know**_

_**But darling this time**_

_**Let your memories die**_

_**When you hold me tonight**_

_**Don't close your eyes.**_

I remember the day she came to me, stars exploding in her eyes and a song in her voice, she'd fallen in love and it was plain to see. This mystery man waltzed into her life, cold eyes and long hair - it made me jealous, but it was only because he stole something Fromm that was taking ;me years to get. She was living in a dream world, soft laughter and a never fading blush stained on her cheeks. He was the one.

Watching them together slowly killed me, it was fire and ice so beautiful and pure. And I hated him because she was all I ever wanted and somehow she was steadily slipping through my fingers. There were times when I wished I wasn't a coward and fought for her love, yet I just couldn't. It was a battle I knew I'd never be able to win, not in this life time or the next. So I did what I thought I could only do, I let her go.

How could I even think about trying to destroy her happiness when I had spent so many years trying to put the smile on her face that appeared so easily with him. For a while I drank, I drank myself miserable but I never let her see what I had become. I wouldn't let her know how much of a miserable monster unrequited love had turned me into so easily. I was pathetic.

It was my sister and her husband that pulled me out of the swirling darkness. They had found me in a pool of my own vomit, the empty bottle of alcohol and the scattered bottles of pills of muscle relaxers and other prescription medicine I'd stolen and it was then that I realized how far past rock bottom I had sank to. They had to take out a mortgage on their house so that I could go to a good rehab center and one I was sober off I left.

There was no need to tell my friends where I was going, they wouldn't understand and I couldn't tell her - I was too ashamed of myself. That and I don't think I could have lived with myself if I saw pity in her eyes for me, it would have broken an already damaged man. So in the end everyone assumed I dropped off the face of the planet and I'm sure some were upset, but not too much. I wasn't very important of a person to be missed too much.

My sister came to visit me as much as she was able to, a soft knowing smile on her face as she told me the latest gossip. While I was there in rehab slowly rebuilding the life I had easily destroyed, she was preparing herself to be married. My Rin was finally drifting away to a place where I'd never be able to reach her and Sango held me as I cried. I won't try and pretend I was okay with it because I wasn't and I cried for weeks, deep sobs overwhelming and painful to the point that I wanted to give up, but I didn't. I didn't want to make her cry for my selfish behavior.

It was four months till I was able to go back home and another three until I was able to adjust back into the normal everyday life that I had thrown away. I worked at the shop again and kept myself as busy as I could and eventually my life was once again on track.

Life was slowly getting better, I was able to get my own apartment and before long renting a small house not too far from my sister's. I knew there was no need for all the extra space, but something inside me screamed for it and I threw myself even deeper into work just to keep my thoughts off of her. Honestly it worked for a while and I was beginning to see some form of happiness trickle back into my life, but like most things, fate decides to reopen old wounds that I thought had completely healed.

It was raining and the house was dark. It had been yet another long day for me at the shop and a nice long hot shower helped relax the sore muscles between my shoulder blades. I had received the wedding invitation the week before and I glanced at it on the counter as I poured myself a glass of orange juice. The paper haunted me and I sighed heavily, there was no point in avoiding her for the rest of my life.

The electricity had gone out so there were dozens of candles lighting my bedroom and living room and I laughed thinking about all the cheesy romance movies Rin had dragged me to as teenagers. They were good times, but painful memories, the kind I wanted to bury along with all my feelings for her, but the ones that I clung to the most when life seemed to be too hard.

And like so many clichés there was a flash of lightning and a rumble I assumed to be thunder. I almost ignored it, but when it did not cease I realized that it was my front door and not the nasty weather. Then once I padded my way to the door, knotting my apron closed and opened the door there she stood and my heart skipped a beat. She was soaked to the bone, her long ebony hair a mess, sticking to her face and shoulders, her white blouse long since see through and I swallowed the thick lump growing in my throat.

"Rin?" I whispered staring at her tear-filled eyes and feeling much like a deer caught in the headlights.

Her soft sniffling snapped my attention and I quickly pulled her inside, pulling the towel from my shoulders and draping it around hers. Wordlessly I ushered her into the kitchen and proceeded to make her a cup of hot chocolate, thanking myself for not switching over to an electric stove. It took only a few minutes to grab more towels and guide Rin into the living room and to the couch; her wet jeans and blouse handing up in the bathroom to dry and my robe hiding her from my view.

"Kohaku," she sounded so small and broken that I wanted to pull her into my arms and never let go.

My fingers merely brushed her hair from her face, the hot chocolate sitting clenched tightly in her hands. Tears fell silently from those expression filled eyes and calmly I waited for her to speak.

"The wedding's off," I almost didn't hear her and I bit down on my lip not to open my mouth. "Sesshomaru and I-- we got into a fight and he-" her voice trembled and a sob wrenched itself from her throat. "And he let me."

"Oh Rin," the empty mug was placed on the coffee table and I couldn't help but pull her into my arms this time. "It's okay, I'm pretty sure he didn't leave you."

"Yes he did!" she wailed digging her nails into my shirt, her face hidden in my shoulder. "He said he wouldn't stay with a childish woman and that he had nothing to prove by staying!" I tightened my arms, rocking her gently and rubbing her back allowing her to cry "And when I came home from work he was gone."

I defended him thinking maybe she was overreacting, I mean she did have the tendency to, but the next morning after waking up with Rin in my arms and his wedding clutched tightly in her hand I knew she wasn't. Never once did I ever imagine an outcome like that, but the truth was that Sesshomaru had in fact left her and from the looks of it the stoic business man wasn't going to turn back and give himself back to Rin.

A noise from the monitor brings me back to reality and with a soft sigh I pull the quilt off my lap and climb out of bed. The hallway is dark and I shiver from the cold, my fingers reaching to turn up the thermostat; no need in freezing everyone to death. It was never a good thing to allow myself to dwell on the past and yet I find myself so wrapped up in it that my reality feels only like a dream.

_**Don't close your eyes**_

_**Let it be me**_

_**Don't pretend it's him **_

_**In some fantasy**_

_**Darling just once**_

_**Let yesterday go**_

_**You'll find more love**_

_**Than you've ever known**_

_**Just hold me tight**_

_**When you love me tonight**_

_**And don't close your eyes**_

As quietly as I can I creep into the room, switching on the lamp and blinking to let my eyes adjust to the subtle blast of light. The form on the bed makes me smile and gently I cross the room to touch the soft brown head. It was a reminder of all the struggles faced to this point and exactly how far Rin and I had come since that night in the rain.

Ryouji -- the sleeping two-year old and my first pride and joy. He's a blessing I'd never thought I'd live to see, but there he is. Brilliantly blue eyes and freckles and everything his mother had been growing up and more. Just thinking about the lat few years makes me fee like an emotional teenager once again and I bite back the urge to cry. I guess even now I'm still a wimp. I stand here for a few minutes before turning off the lamp and leaving the room. Sometimes I wonder if I worry too much because I'm paranoid of losing it all or if it's just who I am.

Slipping back into bed I'm greeted by a pair of blue eyes watching me curiously and with a soft smile I lean over Rin and kiss her softly. It's late and she should be sleeping, but then again I'm not surprised; Rin had always been a light sleeper. She pulls me into her arms, her mouth closing over mine and I sigh as I fall into her, my hands brushing against the round bulge of her stomach.

It would only be a month or two longer until our little girl would be brought into the world. Like always my eyes are on her as I fill her, millions of thoughts rampaging throughout my mind hearing her gasp softly; her body arching into my own. Everything she does is a reminder of how much in love with her I've always been, but would my love be enough for her? Even after, with her body draped over mine, her head resting on my chest I wonder if she's happy and though I tell myself yes because of everything we've gained, a part of me whispers no.

_**Maybe I've been a fool**_

_**Holding on all this time**_

_**Lyin' here in your arms**_

_**Knowing he's in your mind**_

_**But I keep hoping some day**_

_**That you'll see the light**_

_**Let it be me tonight**_

_**Don't close your eyes**_

Morning comes quickly, like it often does after moments like those spent with Rin in my arms and I wake up to find myself alone. It doesn't bother me because with her I'm always waking up to an empty bed and lazily I begin the daily routine of getting a shower and dressing for work. Mornings like these make me wish that I could crawl back into bed and pretend they never started, though I know it's just me playing the coward once again like always.

If only I could be like him, would Rin love me? Would she look at me with her eyes sparkling and laughter caught in her throat? To be able to hold her in my arms without any doubts in my mind of who she's really thinking of. They felt like pipedreams to me and the thought brought pain ripping at my heart.

Slipping on my shoes I make my way into the kitchen where I'm sure Rin is, her round pregnant stomach bumping into countertops and the thought brought a smile to my face. However seeing her standing there, her long hair slipping over her shoulders I feel it slipping away once more. She's watching him from the television, his amber eyes just as cold as they've always been, his silver hair and I know immediately that once again I've lost her. The far away look in her own eyes tell me so and I fight back the pain, hanging my head slightly; I could never win could I?

I didn't distract her from her fantasy, no, I just turned away and went to the front door, Ryouji grabbing onto my hand and giving me a smile that almost breaks me. I feel lost and I pull him into my arms and hugged him tightly, he was her gift to me. A precious gift that I would die for and I forced a smile onto my face kissing his forehead. Rin would be entranced by him and without a word I closed the door behind me and left.

Ryouji would love his surprise play date with Tsubame and I needed help holding down the fort which held all my emotions at bay. Sango and Miroku's home wasn't too far of a walk and the fresh air helped clear my muddled mind. What had I gotten myself into three years ago when I married Rin? Did I really think that I would be able to handle so much heartache and hurt? I was there before I knew it and Miroku took Ryouji as Sango pulled me into an embrace. They knew why I was there and the only thing I could do was hold my sister close from the doorway and hold back everything that was threatening to tear me apart.

"It's okay Kohaku," she said softly guiding me into the warmth of her home.

It was filled with a warmth that I could only dream about and if I hadn't been an alcoholic before I would be tempted to drink myself to death just to escape all of the heartache and misery that I brought to myself. Surrounded by family but alone with my thoughts, I slowly drank the coffee placed in front of me. I guess I knew from the beginning that I'd never really be happy, but the hope of maybe the tiniest of sparks kept me holding on for so long.

_**Don't close your eyes**_

_**Let it be me**_

_**Don't pretend its him **_

_**In some fantasy**_

_**Darling just once**_

_**Let yesterday go**_

_**You'll find more love**_

_**Than you've ever known**_

_**Just hold me tight**_

_**When you love me tonight**_

_**And don't close your eyes**_

Going to work and focusing on anything but Rin was harder than anything I'd done in my entire life and part of me wanted to stay as far from my home as possible. I wanted to pretend that for one night I wouldn't have to go home to Rin and see the longing of another in her eyes. That maybe just for one night since the five years he's been gone or the three that we've been married that she would look at me with unconditional love - the same look that I've been giving her for the last eight years.

It takes me longer than usual to get home, driving mindlessly down back roads and avoiding her because of selfish reasons. Maybe I really was only holding onto a dream and when I open my eyes reality will rear its ugly head and my precious Rin will be forever out of my reach. My heart clenches in my chest turning onto my street and pulling into the driveway. I don't want to go inside and be greeted by the darkness, by the emptiness that keeps me awake most nights, but it's the only thing that I feel I have left.

I close the door quietly behind me, heeling off my shoes and restlessly loosening the tie around my neck. It's late out and all of the lights are off, not even the television set is playing the normal snowy static and I sigh heavily. Maybe a cup of coffee would soothe the tense muscles between my shoulders and take away some of the pain from along day. Maybe not.

Light drifts in the kitchen from the open arcadia door and my eyes follow it until I can see her sitting silently on the lawn furniture, her gaze on the gated pool. Without saying a word, I walkup behind her, my hand resting gently on her shoulder. There's no need to talk and she doesn't spare me a glance, her eyes unwavering from the dark blue calming waters and the bright reflection of the moon.

I almost trick myself into believing everything's okay and that Rin has always been mine, but the chill of the night tells me otherwise and I swallow the lump forming in my throat. Once can only hold on for so long and I wonder if my time with her has ended.

"If you can't live without him I understand." My voice sounded foreign even to me. "But please Rin, if you can't stay here and love me then wait until the baby's born. Leave me with a few pieces of you and you can go be with him."

"Kohaku," the way she says my name brings chills to my skin, but I refuse to loko at her and I squeeze her shoulder tighter.

"Please Rin," I can feel the tears welling in my eyes and I shut them tightly fighting back the moisture. "I can't keep you here if you want to be and I can't ask you to love me when you don't. I'm not asking for much, just don't take them from me if you go."

My hand slipped away from her and I just stood there with my eyes closed listening to her rise to her feet. So many thoughts race through my mind, but I knew that it was all over now. I gave her the okay to leave me and go be with Sesshomaru and that's what she was planning to do.

I didn't realize I'd been crying until a hand reached out and cupped my face and opening my eyes I stared into the gentle orbs of blue. Unshed tears rested on her eyelashes and a quiet sob wrenched itself from my throat.

Her lips met mine in a soft chaste kiss and I pulled her close, holding her and never wanting to let go. We stood there in each other's arms until Rin pulled away and I followed behind her as she let me back inside the house by my hand. I felt like a helpless child, but I couldn't pull away when I entered our bedroom, the door clicking shut behind me.

I didn't want to look up at her as I was guided to sit on the soft mattress of our bed because I didn't want to see the pity. I didn't want to give into the fear of being right and that the one day I'd wake up to find her gone forever was getting closer by the minute.

"Kohaku please open your eyes," I didn't want to but the soft hands on my face caressed my skin.

She was always a beautiful creature and sitting here watching her it was no different. I felt my heart swell as she lowered her robe and came to me, her arms holding me as I loved her the way I always did. The way she completed me made my heartache, but she drove me crazy with need. As long as I was able to taste the sweetness of her skin as I filled her I would be okay. Her gasps of pleasure were like music to my ears and I slowly pleasured her, worshiped her showing her the love that I would always feel her for no matter which road she decided to take.

_**Don't close your eyes**_

_**Let it be me**_

_**Don't pretend it's him**_

_**In some fantasy**_

_**Darling just once**_

_**Let yesterday go**_

_**You'll find more love**_

_**Than you've ever known**_

_**Just hold me tight**_

_**When you love me tonight**_

_**And don't close your eyes**_

Morning came and went and instead of waking up to the cold emptiness of my bed, I was surrounded in warmth. I struggled trying to adjust to the bright light, sleeping wanting me to once again to surrender myself to it, but I couldn't. The crème-colored quilt was draped across my waist and looking down my gaze met with long black hair.

Rin's arms held me tightly, her head resting on my shoulder and her naked breast hidden underneath my large hand. It felt alien to be snuggled so close to her and for a moment I forgot to breathe.

"I love you Kohaku," her voice was softer than a whisper, but her head moved and a pair of sparkling blue eyes stared at me with an emotion I'd never once thought would ever be directed at me.

_**Just hole me tight**_

_**When you love me tonight**_

_**And don't close your eyes. **_

The End.

_**E/N: **_Well I have to say, I got a little emotional typing this up. I love the Kohaku and Rin pairing but I'm not usually able to write it unless our lovely Sesshomaru gets her in the end. But I do have to admit, I LOVE doing my own renditions of when Sesshomaru leaves Rin. It's horrible and angsty, but it's what draws me to it I guess. Hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it!

And as always, Please leave a review!

-Krystal-


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